I just don't know anymore

I have not posted in such a long time.  No one reads my blogs anyway, which is good, this is mostly for me.   I read my posts from the last 3 years and the feelings of dread , anxiety just creep right back up on me.  I can't explain it, just feels like a heaviness on my chest, my heart beating just a bit faster.

I am alive, just not living. Sometimes I feel so ready to just give up, I never saw myself in this boat.  I had a profession that I loved and poof everything is gone.  Why did I have to get so sick so fast.  I don't even fully understand it.  I know what Dr. Rothstein and his fellows told me.

My body was trying to clear the virus, my immune system kicked in.  Funny when I got stuck with that needle, I went right to work health, had my blood drawn.  Told the risk was 1.8 percent.  Not a big risk, the odds were in my favor.  I never gave the needlestick another thought.  There was a 98.2 percent I was going to be fine.

Even when I started to feel ill, all the bizarre symptoms, never put 2 and 2 together.  I am glad that I was able to get in to see Dr. Rosenberg so quickly, those headaches were horrible, what really scared me was the olfactory hallucinations immediately prior to developing the headaches.  And even then when I saw Dr. Rosenberg I had forgotten about the needlestick from 4 weeks prior.  He said had he known about that at the time of my appointment, he would have had a different diagnosis.  I don't remember his exact words, but viruses can travel the nervous system, and I mostly likely had viral meningitis.

At this point it doesn't really matter,  I am still SVR and that is great. but I still feel crappy, depressed.

I can't go back to nursing, it is even hard to think about without becoming upset, all jumpy inside.  I don't even like going outside of my house, sometimes times I do try and force myself to go out,  not too often but I do try, it is not too bad if I with someone, but by myself,  the only thing I am thinking about is getting back home.

Grocery shopping is a challenge, I tend to go to acme up the road, usually stopping on the way home from a doctor appointment, as long as it is before 11am.  Store is usually pretty empty.  Clothing shopping...I have not gone clothing shopping since this started.  Online shopping, I can't try anything on , sometimes it is hit or miss.

I don't like being around people, I can't explain how I feel when there are a lot of people around I just want to run and hide.  So I stay in, my house should be spotless, but it is not, why can't I just be left alone.