Wide Awake

Almost 5am 4:41 am to be exact, and I am wide awake, oh I am tired, but my mind is racing. Labor day holiday has passed. And I sat home, nothing unusual really about that, as a nurse I had gotten use to working holidays, or at least every other holiday. Having a holiday off, really is just another day off. But I have not worked not in 5 weeks. Not that I have the energy to run up and down in our busy crazy Er. I can't even vacuum my living room without feeling exhausted. I have come a long way since coming home with that walker. Now I must wait on treatment... I did get a phone call on Friday from a pharmacy, asking me my weight, and insurance information. I did ask them to give me a call if the insurance company gives them any trouble at all with approving the meds. This way my attorney or Osha will hopefully step in and demand I receive treatment. Little riduculous, insurance company has me set to see their infectious disease "specialist" Their doctor is rated below average and treats Hiv patients. I did suggest they send me to a heptolgist, but they said this guy is "top in his field". Okay sure, I sure hope this new attorney is good. I did file a complaint with Osha, I do believe I recieved substandard care, I was not notified in a timely manner of my conversion, I was not given the appropriate counseling, I was not given any type of diet instructions, I was given no instructions. I was simply told you might "spontaneously convert" Why am I writing at 5am , because I am terrified, because I am afraid, because I can't sleep, because I cry when I lay down. At least when I sit up here to type, I have some kind of control. I have no control over anything else right now. None, I have lost all control. If it was up to me, I would have started treatment 3 weeks ago. But had to wait for a appointment. First available appt is this Wed. I am afraid, I am afraid of this treatment, it is wicked,I joined a online support group. I did receive alot of good info and helpful hints. Meds, they say are alot like chemo, Interferon, flu like, fever, chills, muscle ache joint aches,ribovarin and incivek..nausea,vomiting, rashes, my personal favorite anal and rectum pain, yay cant wait for that one. Incivek causes skin lesions/rashs and can cause a fatal skin rash. Ribovarin, mood swings, depression, I can go on and on. so yeah I am afraid, I am doing this alone. I dont have anyone. I have a couple neighbors. I really dont know if I can go thru with this, I keep thinking death would be the way out. I have though about going to the train track and throwing myself in front of the train, but that would be too bloodly, god forbid I infect someone, that would be so wrong. I dont own a gun, although again kinda bloody, but hanging is a option. Basement would be ideal. I will admit, I have been thinking about it alot lately. B