Just an update in my life of nothing

I dont know why I am posting here,maybe just to keep a diary of events. I dont know. I wish this had never happened. Why could my body not fight this off. And it tried so hard. I know how hard my body tried to fight. My immmune system tried. Infectious disease said it was good I showed symptoms so quickly, I really did keep a positive attitude. I had a good attitude from the moment I left work health. 1.8 percent. Odds are in my favor. Bullshit I say now. I changed my diet, fresh fruits, veggies, no more cheese steaks, hoagies, pizza's. And I went to work, I kept on working, and it was hard, I was not offered light duty, why? Was it because we have such a nursing crisis in the Ed? Because as the NP said "you worked through acute hepatitis you can keep on working"? I was told to stay off the internet. Sure my labs were coming back better, sure they were, I was coming to work, at home, I laid on the sofa, flipping the remote, I made sure I had clean underwear and uniforms. My house is so unclean , cluttered and dusty right now. So not like me. This makes me crazy. My backyard, weeds have taken over,I have lost a whole season of planting. The new bed I planned to put in, never even has been started. My roto tiller,all lubed up sits in the basement, not even turned on, except for when my neighbor tuned it up for me. New oil filter,oil change. My joint and muscle pains are directly related to my physical activity. Nursing is one tough job. Er nursing is tough. And the nurses I work with are the best of the bunch. I feel like I let so many people down. I failed. I know I am depressed, trying not be, yeah right, but I need treatment, and depression or a diagnosis of depression will exclude me from treatment. I am not sucidal, I want treatment, I want to feel better, I want to go out in yard, get on my hand and knees and dig in the dirt, silly isnt it? I know if I do the pain I will have later. Physical therapist is great, she really is, walker is gone,"unless I am really fatiqued", still using the cane , although I am trying not to rely on it too much in the house, but I do stumble here and there , good thing for little houses, always something to grab on to. I am doing the exercise she gave, balance exercises, strengthening, stepping exercises. I dont want to live like this, I really dont, I lay in bed at night waitng for sleep to come, I am not afraid to die, I am more aftaid of all the things in between. I ask God, please take me, let me just fall asleep, is that too much to ask?