hgb low

call came back from doc, my hgb fell 4 grams in a week , ribavarin had to be cut in half, at least explains why I feel like this. Like a puddle. Can hardly move, Sob, hurting, cant get my thoughts together. Viral load dropped too. Depression is bad, anxiety is bad. sleep does not want to come. still have to fight for meds, this is crazy, what did I do to deserve this. I just wish I could sleep myself away. This is no life.

Week 3 of treatment begins today

Nearly 6am, Week 3 of treatment begins. This is not fun. My life was running so smoothly, I went to work everyday, I came home, I left my dogs out and I went outside every night and I thanked God for giving me another day, I thanked Him for my Health, I thanked Him for allowing me the opportunity to go to school and to achieve my dream of becoming a Nurse. Being able to help people, care for people and support myself. Now this...2 seconds,1 patient and here I am whimpering,frightened and alone. I just do not feel well, the drugs are harsh, suicidal thoughts, oh yes, if the docs find out, my treatment stops, high risk of suicide with these meds, patients need alot of support. I woke up, not sure if I was dreaming or in a stupor, but planning to hang myself from my door knocker, nice heavy brass knocker, heavy steel door , I could put a tarp inside the door, flip the knocker up with a rope tied to it so it would be over the top of the door and I could hang myself. I am not very tall, I can't even see out my peep hole. Tarp could collect any body fluids that might drain. Hopefully the mailman might find me. I know this is just suicidal ideation and I know it is the medication causing these feelings. I had to get up out of bed, turn on some lights and made myself a cup of coffee. I have'nt had a cup of coffee all week. I use to drink coffee all day. My legs hurt, I have no energy, I can only stand a few minutes, then I need to sit, walking down steps are a little tough, but walking up the steps are even harder. 2 or 3 steps, I have to stop, rest, catch my breath, my legs feel like lead. Nausea is a constant companion too, I have to eat with the meds, and the incivek needs to be taken with 20grams of fat, twice a day, so glad I opted for twice a day and not 3 times a day. It is so hard to eat anything, forcing myself to eat the fat. My back end hurts so bad, they said anal and rectal pain, they were not kidding, my god, I had one small hemorrhoid, most women will develop them after giving birth. Never really bothered me all these years. 32 years and now "she" has had a party and invited friends. Unreal. So much personal info here, please forgive me. Almost time for my next dose of meds, then later this afternoon, my interferon shot and week 3 begins..God please help me.

Treament starts tomorrow

My treatment officially starts tomorrow. Medications arrived on Friday in a refrigerated box. Nurse called on Thursday, at least half a dozen times. She took a history over the phone. She will be here Monday morning to teach me how to inject myself. Silly I know, it is something I could do myself, but I will wait. I stopped taking the neurontin, it wasn't really helping anyway with the neuropathy. The pins and needle feeling that just comes and goes with any warning down my arms into my hands, down my legs and feet. It does seem the more I do or try to do the worst it gets. But the neurontin I think was really contributing to my crazy mood swings. Or maybe I just want to believe that. But it can cause depression, mood swings, anger..kinda describes some of the things I was feeling. Only really intensified. I am trying not to look too far into the future. I am not a fortune teller, my PALS and ACLS expire soon, pretty sure I will not be put on the list to have my credential renewed thru the ER. I am not even sure after all this if I can continue on in my chosen field. This is so scary, I was infected at work, this has changed my life.

Wide Awake

Almost 5am 4:41 am to be exact, and I am wide awake, oh I am tired, but my mind is racing. Labor day holiday has passed. And I sat home, nothing unusual really about that, as a nurse I had gotten use to working holidays, or at least every other holiday. Having a holiday off, really is just another day off. But I have not worked not in 5 weeks. Not that I have the energy to run up and down in our busy crazy Er. I can't even vacuum my living room without feeling exhausted. I have come a long way since coming home with that walker. Now I must wait on treatment... I did get a phone call on Friday from a pharmacy, asking me my weight, and insurance information. I did ask them to give me a call if the insurance company gives them any trouble at all with approving the meds. This way my attorney or Osha will hopefully step in and demand I receive treatment. Little riduculous, insurance company has me set to see their infectious disease "specialist" Their doctor is rated below average and treats Hiv patients. I did suggest they send me to a heptolgist, but they said this guy is "top in his field". Okay sure, I sure hope this new attorney is good. I did file a complaint with Osha, I do believe I recieved substandard care, I was not notified in a timely manner of my conversion, I was not given the appropriate counseling, I was not given any type of diet instructions, I was given no instructions. I was simply told you might "spontaneously convert" Why am I writing at 5am , because I am terrified, because I am afraid, because I can't sleep, because I cry when I lay down. At least when I sit up here to type, I have some kind of control. I have no control over anything else right now. None, I have lost all control. If it was up to me, I would have started treatment 3 weeks ago. But had to wait for a appointment. First available appt is this Wed. I am afraid, I am afraid of this treatment, it is wicked,I joined a online support group. I did receive alot of good info and helpful hints. Meds, they say are alot like chemo, Interferon, flu like, fever, chills, muscle ache joint aches,ribovarin and incivek..nausea,vomiting, rashes, my personal favorite anal and rectum pain, yay cant wait for that one. Incivek causes skin lesions/rashs and can cause a fatal skin rash. Ribovarin, mood swings, depression, I can go on and on. so yeah I am afraid, I am doing this alone. I dont have anyone. I have a couple neighbors. I really dont know if I can go thru with this, I keep thinking death would be the way out. I have though about going to the train track and throwing myself in front of the train, but that would be too bloodly, god forbid I infect someone, that would be so wrong. I dont own a gun, although again kinda bloody, but hanging is a option. Basement would be ideal. I will admit, I have been thinking about it alot lately. B