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I need to snap out of this, that is what I keep telling myself, snap out of it. I feel much better than when I came home that last day in July. When I think back on that day , that Sunday in July when I could barely walk, my legs did not want to carry me, I couldnt straigten my body up. And the pain was undescribable. All from a virus and me , and I say me because I did not give up, I did keep a postive attitude, I went to work. I guess maybe if I had a less physically demanding job it would have been different. Denise was here yesterday, I really like her, she is so understanding and kind. She mentioned maybe starting outpatient therapy, I hope so, I need to build my strenght up. She has me doing balance exercises,and I have come a long way, but I do still fatigue was easily and start losing my balance, but Denise is encouraging. I can tell when I have done too much. And I want to push myself. Especially with treatment a few weeks away. I need to be physically strong. A pscyh nurse was sent out too, I forgot the differences with Er nursing vs psych nursing. He annoyed me quite a bit, wanted to lable me right away Yes I will agree I am sad, bordering on depression, who would not be? I am strong, but 1 person can only take so much. My job has virtually wiped their hands of me and turned me over to a insurance company , who mission is to try and prove that I acquired hep c before the needlestick. To try and get me "back to work" all before treatment even begins??? I go to on 9/4 I am hoping to start tx unless of course the insurance company refuses to pay the cost of the medication,which I can see them trying to do. They have me set up to see their "specialist on 9/19" it is not to see their specialist it is to put me back to work. Those rotten bastards. I am thinking that I had better make a phone call to Dr Rothsteins office, I can see going to this appointment, and then being told that the insurance company will not pay for the meds. I have to stop, I am making myself anxious, I never had a panic attack in my life, I am now having panic attacks, at least what I think are panic attacks. Hyperventilating, cant talk.

Just an update in my life of nothing

I dont know why I am posting here,maybe just to keep a diary of events. I dont know. I wish this had never happened. Why could my body not fight this off. And it tried so hard. I know how hard my body tried to fight. My immmune system tried. Infectious disease said it was good I showed symptoms so quickly, I really did keep a positive attitude. I had a good attitude from the moment I left work health. 1.8 percent. Odds are in my favor. Bullshit I say now. I changed my diet, fresh fruits, veggies, no more cheese steaks, hoagies, pizza's. And I went to work, I kept on working, and it was hard, I was not offered light duty, why? Was it because we have such a nursing crisis in the Ed? Because as the NP said "you worked through acute hepatitis you can keep on working"? I was told to stay off the internet. Sure my labs were coming back better, sure they were, I was coming to work, at home, I laid on the sofa, flipping the remote, I made sure I had clean underwear and uniforms. My house is so unclean , cluttered and dusty right now. So not like me. This makes me crazy. My backyard, weeds have taken over,I have lost a whole season of planting. The new bed I planned to put in, never even has been started. My roto tiller,all lubed up sits in the basement, not even turned on, except for when my neighbor tuned it up for me. New oil filter,oil change. My joint and muscle pains are directly related to my physical activity. Nursing is one tough job. Er nursing is tough. And the nurses I work with are the best of the bunch. I feel like I let so many people down. I failed. I know I am depressed, trying not be, yeah right, but I need treatment, and depression or a diagnosis of depression will exclude me from treatment. I am not sucidal, I want treatment, I want to feel better, I want to go out in yard, get on my hand and knees and dig in the dirt, silly isnt it? I know if I do the pain I will have later. Physical therapist is great, she really is, walker is gone,"unless I am really fatiqued", still using the cane , although I am trying not to rely on it too much in the house, but I do stumble here and there , good thing for little houses, always something to grab on to. I am doing the exercise she gave, balance exercises, strengthening, stepping exercises. I dont want to live like this, I really dont, I lay in bed at night waitng for sleep to come, I am not afraid to die, I am more aftaid of all the things in between. I ask God, please take me, let me just fall asleep, is that too much to ask?

Drained

I am so tired today, I have not written in weeks, I havent slept in weeks, a few hours a night. I cry alot. My mind just races. My repeat PCR came back 1.2 million. Higher than the first one drawn in May. I need treatment. I knew something was not right, I knew I was not feeling good. I knew I felt sick, weak , tired . But I have to finish the events of what happened and what is happening to me. I was not notified of my results, I did make an appt. with a family doctor, one my neighbor and friend reccommended. I could not get a appointment until June 12 or 13, I cant really remember, all the appts are confusing now. My neurolgist called, MRI/MRA was normal, just some inflamnation showed up in my labs, make sure I take copies to my new primary MD. On June 6, 2013, I did ask my charge Rn if it would be okay for me to print out my labs , and she had known I was not feeling well. "Sure why not they are your labs" was her reply . I finally had started to feel just a little better. I had just gotten home from a vacation. I didnt do anything, but relax. Had not done anything at home either. My house was messy to say the least. I accomplished nothing in my backyard, people that know me, know what my gardens mean to me, they know how much I love to garden, it is one of my passions. I printed out my results never looked at them, took them home. About 11 pm I worked 9am to 930pm, I pulled them from my bag, and found the PCR from 5/17 was included in the labs I printed, when I printed my labs, I somehow had printed out 24 hours, I am glad I did, I may not have ever know I converted. My PCR was 1.1 million. I called work health the next morning, June 7th, was told to come right in, I did and I was promptly reprimanded by the NP, for at least the first 10 minutes, I was devaasted, fighting back tears. Even our employee health nurse, his face he was astonished at how she was speaking to me "Who do you think you are? "You can be fired for this", "The person that told you that you could print these out can be fired too". It was horrible. Anyway, I finally stopped the NP, and told her I thought I coming to be counseled and treated for hepatatis, the way I see it , my treatment has been delayed by a minimum of 2weeks, that is giving a 1 week for the PCR to come back, can you tell me how long does it take for these results? I was told it takes a week. Fact is it takes 2 to 3 days. My last PCR was drawn on a Friday, resulted on Monday. And, as she was screaming at me, I kept thinking of a nursing friend of mine, who converted to hep c while employed at this same hospital. She wss beautiful, generous, she was an angel. She could not prove she acquire hep c via her employment. She taught me alot. They put her thru so many horrible questions it was disgraceful. She took her own life. I cannot get her out of my mind, what they did to her, was wrong. Now they are attempting to do it to me. I have been accused of using IV drugs, of already being hep c positive. "you got sick too quick" Reported to the commonwealth of PA as a right index finger injury, not a occupational disease. I have to stop for awhile, kinda achy, getting a little upset again, I always wanted to be a nurse, I never dreamed this would happen, this is a nightmare, I wish I could sleep

I have not posted in a while, just too tired I suppose, too much running around. Doctor appointments. But I feel like crap. I am not working now. Last Sunday I could barely get out of bed, could hardly walk, I know I called the supervisor and just said I can't come in, I just can't or something like that. Everything hurt.  Later that day I was admitted to Abington Hosptial.  I did work the day before, a 8 hour shift, which should have been no sweat after working 12 hours shifts, but it killed me, I came home, tried to eat, but vomited instead. I was going to call out then, but did not.  Just thought go to bed rest, you will be better.
But I wasnt.

 He should have just put a gun to my head and pulled the trigger. This is no way to live.

I want people to know my story.

I was stuck on 4/4 , my hep panel was negative as well as my hiv status
Pt was hep c + Hiv-
A titer was also drawn for my hep b status
1.8% chance of converting per cdc
appt was set for  4/19

I got a call on 4/9  that my hep b titer was low and I needed to be re-vaccinated, okay that could make sense, I was vaccinated in the early 90's. I needed to come in and start a new series

I asked about my appt on the 19th  and was told to disregard just come in on May 17 for a repeat blood draw HCV RNA PCR  it looks for the hep c virus in your blood stream.

Between the stick and May 17 I did get sick, but nothing I could put my finger on, I edgy, cranky, moody, itchy, nauseated, headaches beyond belief, muscle aches, joint pain. It was all I could do to work, and then pull myself literally up the 15 steps into my house, I would drop my bags, get to the sofa and sleep on the sofa, more like collaspe on the sofa. This went on for weeks, and the itching was intense. No housework was done, no gardening. Only laundry I did were uniforms and underwear.  I thought my sofa was infested with bugs, I finally decided that was why I was scratching and itching so much, not knowing it was the virus. I brought new furniture...visa bill is due next month...I am out of work now.


Headaches ...started getting worse, but then I started smelling lilacs before onset of one sided sudden sharp headaches, intense pain, I remember 3 episodes like that. That scared me enough, to find a new family doctor, problem was he could not see me until June.  But I knew my friend Randy , Dr. Rosenberg could see me and he did very quickly. He ordered a lot labs and a MRI/MRA.  On 5/17 I had the HCV RNA PCR drawn at work health, on 5/18 I had outpatient labs and the MRI/MRA done.
 
 I was started on Topramax, had to be some kind of migraine, after all you can get nauseated with migraines, and the Er has expanded, no wonder I was so achy and tired...excuse for everything.
 
I had a week off near the end of May, and went up the mountains to see my Dad, for his birthday. 
It was a long drive, and usually I like driving up there, it was exhausting.  And unusual for me, when we went anywhere I asked my dad to drive, said I wanted to sight see.  So I relaxed I came home and went back to work.

I need to rest , really tired now....more later