I just don't know anymore

I have not posted in such a long time.  No one reads my blogs anyway, which is good, this is mostly for me.   I read my posts from the last 3 years and the feelings of dread , anxiety just creep right back up on me.  I can't explain it, just feels like a heaviness on my chest, my heart beating just a bit faster.

I am alive, just not living. Sometimes I feel so ready to just give up, I never saw myself in this boat.  I had a profession that I loved and poof everything is gone.  Why did I have to get so sick so fast.  I don't even fully understand it.  I know what Dr. Rothstein and his fellows told me.

My body was trying to clear the virus, my immune system kicked in.  Funny when I got stuck with that needle, I went right to work health, had my blood drawn.  Told the risk was 1.8 percent.  Not a big risk, the odds were in my favor.  I never gave the needlestick another thought.  There was a 98.2 percent I was going to be fine.

Even when I started to feel ill, all the bizarre symptoms, never put 2 and 2 together.  I am glad that I was able to get in to see Dr. Rosenberg so quickly, those headaches were horrible, what really scared me was the olfactory hallucinations immediately prior to developing the headaches.  And even then when I saw Dr. Rosenberg I had forgotten about the needlestick from 4 weeks prior.  He said had he known about that at the time of my appointment, he would have had a different diagnosis.  I don't remember his exact words, but viruses can travel the nervous system, and I mostly likely had viral meningitis.

At this point it doesn't really matter,  I am still SVR and that is great. but I still feel crappy, depressed.

I can't go back to nursing, it is even hard to think about without becoming upset, all jumpy inside.  I don't even like going outside of my house, sometimes times I do try and force myself to go out,  not too often but I do try, it is not too bad if I with someone, but by myself,  the only thing I am thinking about is getting back home.

Grocery shopping is a challenge, I tend to go to acme up the road, usually stopping on the way home from a doctor appointment, as long as it is before 11am.  Store is usually pretty empty.  Clothing shopping...I have not gone clothing shopping since this started.  Online shopping, I can't try anything on , sometimes it is hit or miss.

I don't like being around people, I can't explain how I feel when there are a lot of people around I just want to run and hide.  So I stay in, my house should be spotless, but it is not, why can't I just be left alone.

I have not posted in a long time.  My most recent hep c blood work did come back negative.  No viral load.  So it seems I have achieved SVR.  Am I thankful, yes I am . My doctor did not believe I would remain SVR.  But so far I have. Am i frightened, yes I am, there is a 1 percent chance that it can come back. I have a mediation to go to in December. I am scared. So many horrible side effects from those meds. So much I have lost.  As much I try , every time I think that just maybe I can go back to nursing the nightmares return. Sometime I do wish I would have just died. I prayed for death for a long while when I was on treatment. My whole life all I wanted to do was become a nurse. A part of me I think maybe there is something I could do, I did renew my license, just in case. Still I feel my life no longer has a purpose. I was someone, now I am no one. Dammit I hate myself sometimes, and sometimes I do don't, I feel like such a big ass baby. But truth is I am so very tired .Too much to explain now.

I cant believe it has been so long since I wrote here. So many things I never updated. By the end of Sept. 2013 my hgb dropped to 7.5. That was only 3 weeks into treatment. I don't remember alot, but being so sick in those weeks.  Weak, sleeping, I remember one night calling my friend Zb, crying and saying I cant take this medicine, he told me be a big girl and take my medicine. And I did.  I remember bending down trying to pick something off the floor, and getting so dizzy I was suddenly sitting on the floor with my head spinning.  And I didnt know why my dogs were following me around so closely, growling and barking at me in this low tone?  It was my hemoglobin, they knew.
 I felt a little better after I got a few units of blood, then I started with procrit, which was a fight to get from the insurance company.
 Those days are almost a blur. I prayed every night to not wake up, begging for forgiveness for my sins and just to be taken home.
 I saw my Doc in Jan and he took one look at me and said this is it, treatment is done. He said he was afraid it was killing me.  And I woul. d have to agree with him. It was killing me.  I cried, I didnt want to stop treatment, after all this is my only hope.  My gums had been bleeding for weeks every night, spontaneosly bleeding, it was the interferon, I thought Dr. Rothstein was going to hit the roof. I reported this to his PA Jen, my belly was purple from the interferon shots, she had no idea why my gums were bleeding, and it was unusual to get bruising at injection sites. My family doctor, told me to see a dentist.
This is why I would rather see the doctor, the specialist. I understand my family doctor not knowing, but the PA in his practice, should have know.
After another blood transfusion, and about 2 weeks off of the ribovarin, I was restarted, slowly.  A little more tolerable, but with each increasing dose I was feeling worse.  Then I came back detected, saw the eye doctor and found out I have retinopathy in both eyes.
And still I didnt want to admit defeat, in my eyes I have been defeated.  The risk of blindness is real and not one the doctor was ready to risk. There is new treatment on the horizon. He stopped my treatment yesterday. Once sense I am relieved. I have no life, these medications can kill you, they zap everything from you.
I want me back.

hgb low

call came back from doc, my hgb fell 4 grams in a week , ribavarin had to be cut in half, at least explains why I feel like this. Like a puddle. Can hardly move, Sob, hurting, cant get my thoughts together. Viral load dropped too. Depression is bad, anxiety is bad. sleep does not want to come. still have to fight for meds, this is crazy, what did I do to deserve this. I just wish I could sleep myself away. This is no life.

Week 3 of treatment begins today

Nearly 6am, Week 3 of treatment begins. This is not fun. My life was running so smoothly, I went to work everyday, I came home, I left my dogs out and I went outside every night and I thanked God for giving me another day, I thanked Him for my Health, I thanked Him for allowing me the opportunity to go to school and to achieve my dream of becoming a Nurse. Being able to help people, care for people and support myself. Now this...2 seconds,1 patient and here I am whimpering,frightened and alone. I just do not feel well, the drugs are harsh, suicidal thoughts, oh yes, if the docs find out, my treatment stops, high risk of suicide with these meds, patients need alot of support. I woke up, not sure if I was dreaming or in a stupor, but planning to hang myself from my door knocker, nice heavy brass knocker, heavy steel door , I could put a tarp inside the door, flip the knocker up with a rope tied to it so it would be over the top of the door and I could hang myself. I am not very tall, I can't even see out my peep hole. Tarp could collect any body fluids that might drain. Hopefully the mailman might find me. I know this is just suicidal ideation and I know it is the medication causing these feelings. I had to get up out of bed, turn on some lights and made myself a cup of coffee. I have'nt had a cup of coffee all week. I use to drink coffee all day. My legs hurt, I have no energy, I can only stand a few minutes, then I need to sit, walking down steps are a little tough, but walking up the steps are even harder. 2 or 3 steps, I have to stop, rest, catch my breath, my legs feel like lead. Nausea is a constant companion too, I have to eat with the meds, and the incivek needs to be taken with 20grams of fat, twice a day, so glad I opted for twice a day and not 3 times a day. It is so hard to eat anything, forcing myself to eat the fat. My back end hurts so bad, they said anal and rectal pain, they were not kidding, my god, I had one small hemorrhoid, most women will develop them after giving birth. Never really bothered me all these years. 32 years and now "she" has had a party and invited friends. Unreal. So much personal info here, please forgive me. Almost time for my next dose of meds, then later this afternoon, my interferon shot and week 3 begins..God please help me.

Treament starts tomorrow

My treatment officially starts tomorrow. Medications arrived on Friday in a refrigerated box. Nurse called on Thursday, at least half a dozen times. She took a history over the phone. She will be here Monday morning to teach me how to inject myself. Silly I know, it is something I could do myself, but I will wait. I stopped taking the neurontin, it wasn't really helping anyway with the neuropathy. The pins and needle feeling that just comes and goes with any warning down my arms into my hands, down my legs and feet. It does seem the more I do or try to do the worst it gets. But the neurontin I think was really contributing to my crazy mood swings. Or maybe I just want to believe that. But it can cause depression, mood swings, anger..kinda describes some of the things I was feeling. Only really intensified. I am trying not to look too far into the future. I am not a fortune teller, my PALS and ACLS expire soon, pretty sure I will not be put on the list to have my credential renewed thru the ER. I am not even sure after all this if I can continue on in my chosen field. This is so scary, I was infected at work, this has changed my life.

Wide Awake

Almost 5am 4:41 am to be exact, and I am wide awake, oh I am tired, but my mind is racing. Labor day holiday has passed. And I sat home, nothing unusual really about that, as a nurse I had gotten use to working holidays, or at least every other holiday. Having a holiday off, really is just another day off. But I have not worked not in 5 weeks. Not that I have the energy to run up and down in our busy crazy Er. I can't even vacuum my living room without feeling exhausted. I have come a long way since coming home with that walker. Now I must wait on treatment... I did get a phone call on Friday from a pharmacy, asking me my weight, and insurance information. I did ask them to give me a call if the insurance company gives them any trouble at all with approving the meds. This way my attorney or Osha will hopefully step in and demand I receive treatment. Little riduculous, insurance company has me set to see their infectious disease "specialist" Their doctor is rated below average and treats Hiv patients. I did suggest they send me to a heptolgist, but they said this guy is "top in his field". Okay sure, I sure hope this new attorney is good. I did file a complaint with Osha, I do believe I recieved substandard care, I was not notified in a timely manner of my conversion, I was not given the appropriate counseling, I was not given any type of diet instructions, I was given no instructions. I was simply told you might "spontaneously convert" Why am I writing at 5am , because I am terrified, because I am afraid, because I can't sleep, because I cry when I lay down. At least when I sit up here to type, I have some kind of control. I have no control over anything else right now. None, I have lost all control. If it was up to me, I would have started treatment 3 weeks ago. But had to wait for a appointment. First available appt is this Wed. I am afraid, I am afraid of this treatment, it is wicked,I joined a online support group. I did receive alot of good info and helpful hints. Meds, they say are alot like chemo, Interferon, flu like, fever, chills, muscle ache joint aches,ribovarin and incivek..nausea,vomiting, rashes, my personal favorite anal and rectum pain, yay cant wait for that one. Incivek causes skin lesions/rashs and can cause a fatal skin rash. Ribovarin, mood swings, depression, I can go on and on. so yeah I am afraid, I am doing this alone. I dont have anyone. I have a couple neighbors. I really dont know if I can go thru with this, I keep thinking death would be the way out. I have though about going to the train track and throwing myself in front of the train, but that would be too bloodly, god forbid I infect someone, that would be so wrong. I dont own a gun, although again kinda bloody, but hanging is a option. Basement would be ideal. I will admit, I have been thinking about it alot lately. B